Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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