It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
