When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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