I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
