The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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