Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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