he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
That's when you crack a 10am beer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
