he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
