the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How does one acquire holy water?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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