Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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