I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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