I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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