Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
And then he peed in my hair
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