there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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