I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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