I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
