why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i was born a porn star she said
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
