Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
