Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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