VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
