All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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