I smell stomach acid.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
