your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
