She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Who died my cat blue again?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
