We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
