found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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