I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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