90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
