Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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