I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
