no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
