Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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