Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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