i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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