i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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