Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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