My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
