Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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