He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
