I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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