I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
