This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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