You're a womanizer and a bitch.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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