Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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