I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He felt like a one man threesome
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
