I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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