just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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