mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
