I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
