I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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