five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
