i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
