u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
