Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
