So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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