there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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