Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
