i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
