They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
