Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
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