You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
