If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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